You know, I pretend that I have nothing to post about. But I actually have something big to post about. However, I think I may have to start with my life story. Ha okay maybe not my entire life story but at least the spiritual part of it. I always thought I didn’t really have a ‘testimony’. You know, that story of “before Jesus I was so horrible or miserable” and “then I met Jesus and my life completely changed”…I guess I don’t have a story exactly like that, but my spiritual walk has not been a walk in the park either.
My parents were Christian long before they met. So luckily, I grew up [and am still growing] in a great home with awesome Christian parents. I’ve been going to church since birth and have always loved it. I had great Christian friends, some of them that I’m still friends with, after 10+ years. On May 20th, 2000 when I was only 5 days away from being 7, I asked my mom about how to officially be a Christian and that night I ‘gave my life to Christ’. Little did I know that…well that little I knew. Meaning at 7, I didn’t even know the idea of having a relationship with God. To me it was all religion and I was just happy that I was going to heaven. Contrary to my belief, I really wasn’t walking with God. I guess in elementary it’s a bit tough to connect so deeply with God, but I was so disconnected. At this point, though, I wasn’t doing anything rebellious and I still loved church and loved Sunday School and all that jazz. I’ve never doubted my salvation or God in any way. I prayed sometimes and knew that He listened. I remember this story that I always told about how in 1999 [even before I became a Christian] God “saved me” from giant Hurricane Floyd that was expected to hit us and ended up pulling an Ike and changing course last minute. And that was the only time I really felt like God was really there. It’s not that I didn’t think He was there, but I had never experienced Him personally.
Then came middle school. Oh man. The worst 3 years of my life. I REALLY wasn’t walking with God those years. I hung out with the wrong people and felt extremely insecure of myself. Conformity defined me, it seemed. I was two completely different people at school and at church/home. I didn’t do out and do drugs or whatever, but I did do some things I’m not proud of. I took advantage of God’s grace and cursed all I wanted, and did stupid things all I wanted, having this mentality of “God still loves me, I’m still going to heaven, so who cares?”. I knew that being a Christian was not about religion at this point, but I was using the relationship for my own gratification. I just wanted the people in my school to make me feel like I was ‘cool’ and wanted people at church to think that I was ‘godly’ and my parents to think I was ‘good’. While God had nothing to do with any of it except for the part when He would forgive me as I kept on sinning. I was looking to people to tell me who I was and how important I was. As much as I thought I was enjoying it, it felt crappy.
In 2006, my pastor started talking about this conference he had been going to for a long time and how that year, he would take the youth group with him. Of course, it was the Challenge conference which was being held in Indiana. I wasn’t TOO interested in it, and I had no money to go anyway. So I sort of forgot about that and brushed it off. But about a week or two before the youth group was to head to Indiana, my parents sprung it on me that they would be paying for the whole trip and that I would be going and I was like, “Uh okay.” I guess I had no idea how much that would change me. I rededicated my life to Christ that week of Challenge and came back home with a whole new mentality. I stopped hanging out with all the people I had talked to in 6th/7th grade and stopped “rebelling”. It was great.
But of course, it didn’t stop there. I think the closest I have ever felt to God has been in these last couple weeks, most specifically these past couple days. It all started when I was reading this book. I read this book a couple months before this one, and that book also really affected me in a good way. Both books talk about the difference between religion and a deep relationship with God. The first book is more like a collection of the author’s stories and thoughts. The second one was an expansion of the thoughts written in the first book, and he sure did expand on it. It was amazing. I felt as if God was talking STRAIGHT TO ME. The timing of it was perfect too. Around the same time that we were reading Genesis 1-3 [Creation/The Fall] in English class, I was reading about Adam and Eve and their story in Don’s book. Although it was misinterpreted in class, it felt nice to read the passage again and finally understand it more in depth. I thought it was just a coincidence. But then on September 11th, I got to the part of the book where he wrote about September 11th. That’s no coincidence, let me tell you. What made it obvious was when I got near the end of the book last week, and Don talked about Paul and Romans and the gospel of Jesus and last Friday that was the topic of our youth group Bible study. It was amazing. God was talking to me. Awesome. On Sunday, I experienced Him even more. We have this new monthly event at church called The Drowning. It’s basically a night of worship and prayer. This was the first one. The worship is totally youth-led and I sang a couple worship songs with two other girls. But I didn’t feel like if I was performing, I really felt God in the room. I felt like I was saying all this straight to Him. I had never felt that way before in my life. During the prayer time, one of my friends asked someone to pray for her dad who is in rehab right now. I felt led to do so, so I did, and later that night she got a text and call from her dad, and she didn’t even have his number or anything. She was all freaked out. It was cool.
And remember yesterday’s post? I have never experienced God like that before. As Jon Foreman was playing, and I was reading those lyrics in God’s perfect Word, and as I was confessing my sin to God, and as I cried tears of gratefulness to Him, I felt like I had been forgiven of everything. I had been forgiven for my sin, not just against the friend I hurt, but against God. I walked out of the room and knew I was clean. It was a beautiful moment, really. I’ve been waiting for a divine experience like that for a long time. I’ve been waiting for this deep of a relationship with my Maker for a long time. I’m so glad it’s finally happened.
I still have a lot to work on. But instead of my struggles keeping me from Him, I am being drawn closer to Him through those times and we’re working on them together. My only wish is that I always feel this close to God. Well, just until I finally get to heaven where our relationship will reach dimensions that the human mind cannot even attempt to fathom.
My new favorite House of Heroes song. I know I’ve been talking about them for a really long time, and I’ve been waiting for the new album for a really long time but it’s FINALLY HERE. Well almost. It comes out on Tuesday! This is another love song. I love this one as well. I really like the lyrics and I LOVE the music. This song is pretty easy to understand, I guess. You know, boy likes girl, boy wants girl, boy will do anything to be with this said girl. It’s funny how I think it’s so cheesy when boys say mushy things to girls, but if they sing it and the music is really good, I love it. My “favorite song” changes pretty much once a week and a lot of them lately have been love songs. Although, this one is a bit more unconventional. And if you really like it, you can download it for free 
I don’t think the song itself needs a big explanation. But it was definitely my prayer as I went through a very painful experience today. I said somethings I shouldn’t have and it crushed me. I felt very convicted and very hypocritical. The person who had to deal with my crap has forgiven me, but I could not forgive myself. But I think that when I heard this song I felt like if God, being flawless and perfect, could forgive me, I could forgive myself. God is the opposite of sin, yet he’s more than willing to deal with mine. What more could I ask for? I opened my Bible to the famous Psalm 51, a psalm David wrote after he committed his sin with Bathsheba. As I read, I turned this song on and just cried. But I think they were tears of gratefulness. God has been showing Himself to me in great ways lately and this was one of them, seeing as this song is pretty much a summed up version of 
